How many people would you like to invite? Hard to say who still likes me by that time.
Would you like paper or linen invitations? Linen. It’s classier.
Would you like a single or multiple bouquets of flowers or would you like to have petals lightly scattered on the floor as you enter the room? I’ll still be kind of a princess, do the scattering.
Would you like to make use of multimedia devices during the service, e.g. a photo camera or camcorder? That would be fun, but I guess no one will really enjoy watching it afterwards.
Would you like to see our special offers? Sure, let’s go nuts.
For those who were wondering if I was planning a wedding or a party of some kind: nope, not really. This was actually a questionnaire/ wish list for my – hope-to-be way in the future – funeral. The first few questions didn’t really shock me – going digital is all the rage – but I felt a bit uneasy when I scrolled down to the special offers list. It’s strangely funny to see that I can get insured for a fair amount a month for things I actually want to do or have while I’m still walking this earth, but can’t afford now. It’s not fair if you think about it.
Please choose coffin material: chipboard, aluminum, stainless steel or wood (we offer beech, pine, maple, oak and teak. For more exclusive kinds, contact or visit our showroom). Be sure to also choose the inner lining, e.g. taffeta or velvet. Sounds like I’m going to have a 5-star snooze if I choose wisely. My bed’s only 3-star, and I’m still saving up for an upgrade.
Sale! Order now and get a discount on a second order. Weird and a bit unsettling, but fair enough: they have these sales on beds, too.
Would you like to end your day –pause for reaction – in style? Our collaboration with several establishments guarantee you the best deal. Not only do they have the low-key places on the list: they also have the most exclusive bars and clubs – yes, clubs – that would take a pretty penny and years of booking in advance for a “regular” party.
On to food and beverages. Here in the Netherlands it’s perfectly normal to serve coffee and cake and leave it at that, but the new trend says it’s not okay to let your guests starve to death and therefore give a little extra. Luxury sandwiches, scallops, caviar, champagne, or entire Mediterranean or Indonesian food buffets: it can all be arranged for a fair price.
Then, there’s the funeral aftermath and the options keep growing and growing. There are the more unusual methods – cryonics, mummification, plastination – which an average Joe is not likely to choose let alone able to afford it, and then there are the common options: burial and cremation. In the latter category you can go nuts too!
Scatter your ashes in style? Choose aerial scattering by helicopter (sign up now and a second person can join for half price), stratospheric scattering by balloon release or cosmic scattering by sending your ashes on a commercial or scientific space mission.
Three kinds of trips I’ve always wanted to take. You know how people sometimes say “In your dreams!”? Raise your hand if you think it is ironic this might actually happen in your eternal sleep.
In the end I left most options open, mostly because they were a bit overwhelming. Some say that your funeral defines who you are – or were- as a person. I have to give it to the insurance companies for all their creative ideas though. They sure put the fun in funeral.